Just too tired

To deal with how sick and wrong this is

Under fire for its treatment of a rape victim, the Saudi Arabian government on Saturday said that the woman had an "illegitimate relationship" with a man who was not her husband, and that both "exposed themselves to this heinous crime."

Um--- ewwww. Also interesting how our western media keeps ignoring the fact that a man was raped that day too.

The government statement said that according to the woman's signed confession, she called a man on her cell phone and "asked to be with him alone, illegally." The two met at a marketplace, then rode in the man's car to "a dark area of the beach, and stayed there for some time," the ministry said.

The group of attackers "saw her in a compromising situation, her clothes on the ground," the statement said. "The men at this point assaulted her and the man with her."

The woman knew that being alone with a man who wasn't her husband was illegal, "and therefore she violated the covenant of marriage." However, the woman was engaged -- not married -- at the time.

Victim blaming-- it's for every culture apparently.

I have to get to bed so no more writing-- but I think I can simply leave it at "too f***ed up for words"

An Education for Me

I recently attended a national conference where I learned how to form public awareness campaigns and educate communities about domestic violence and sexual assault.

While there I had some big awakenings:

#1 Anger is unhelpful.

I mean, of course this makes sense. If I ever train a group of health care professionals, clergy or police officers, I would never come across like I do on this blog. This blog is a place for me to vent my anger and say what I'm really thinking. I don't worry about coming off as bitter or even offensive, I just write what I feel.

I have always assumed that this blog can be just that for me because it's not a publication or any public p.s.a. Now however, I'm worried. I realize how much anger can turn people off and how it can shut the door on any helpful dialogue. I don't speak for all feminists, I really only speak for me at the moment. I don't think I will be able to get rid of my anger, and I shouldn't have to. I enjoy my anonymity and I utilize this site to vent. So please know, I speak only for me and I'm sorry about the anger. But sometimes I just need to fume.

#2 Oppression is everything

Sexual assault and domestic violence has everything to do with society as a whole. I saw a PSA created by another campaign that showed a beautiful rural farm scene with the narrator saying, "Jim's neighbors helped him last year when he hurt his back. They helped him with the chores and farm work, and even helped him beat his wife, because they knew Jim was hitting her and did nothing to help. It's hard to know what to do. Call us and we can help."

Imagine, an ad not directed at abused women telling them what to do... but rather targeting neighbors, friends and community members for ignoring the problem.

I mean, people will call the police department if their neighbor's dog is barking too loudly, but how many people pick up a phone if they suspect their neighbor is beating their spouse?

#3 It's not because men are "violent"

Men don't beat women because they are violent. Men beat because they have been taught that women are objects or property. And by that logic, you can "use," "control," and "beat" what you own. We teach our society a hierarchy of oppression. That's why there is such a tiny minority of situations in which women beat their male partners. However, when you look at stats of child abuse, we see that it is evenly split, women and men are equally likely to abuse children because in the hierarchy of oppression children are controlled by both parents equally.

So in essence, violence has less to do with a particular gender being bad but has everything to do with the way we devalue groups of people based on our power and control over them. This can also be seen in history-- the Holocaust was possible because Jewish people were objectified, devalued and considered sub-human.

#4 Victim blaming is not a myth

People (mean people) want to act like women have it so easy now. Like all a woman has to do is accuse a man of abuse or rape and she's gonna get all this sympathy and win her case easily. Um-- yeah NO! Look at court stats or work at a women's shelter for a week. Or-- simply listen to the way people STILL talk. For example:

On rape victims:

What you hear:

What was she doing walking alone that late at night?
Why did she get so drunk at that party?
She was flirting with a ton of guys, wasn't she?
Well what did she expect wearing that?

What you should hear:

What gave him the right to sexually assault her?

On victims of domestic violence:

What you Hear:

Why did she marry a wife beater?
Can she quit complaining and move out?
She keeps going back to him?
What did she say to provoke him?
She was drinking too, right?

What you should hear:

Why does he beat his wife?

This happens because we put all the blame on women. Of course, it's important to help women leave abusive situations but do we ever stop and think, "Does this makes sense that SHE should have to leave her home? Why doesn't he leave?" And we teach girls to never walk alone at night, always keep an eye on your drink etc. But do we really teach young men to respect women and not use a state of intoxication as an excuse for rape? Because we are so focused on teaching women what "not to do," when a woman is abused or raped... we often feel it is somehow her fault, after all-- -We taught her what not to do, so she must have done something wrong. But remember only rapists can 100% prevent rape, and only the abusers can stop abuse.

Every time I attend conferences like this last one, I get a renewed surge of hope as I see how many people are dedicated in the fight to end oppression and violence. But today, as I was surfing the internet, I was also reminded of what we have left to fight.

I found t-shirts on a men's website emblazoned with these messages:

"Women are Property, Put em Where They Belong: on Their Knees, Barefoot, Spanked, and Pregnant!"

"Repeal the 19th amendment! Anti-Women Voting, Women should be Seen not Heard!"

"Repent Being Feminists! Your Children Need You at Home and the Sex is Better When Women Obey Their Husbands."

We still have these ideas to combat, so keep up the good fight and if that means you need to open a blog and god forbid, "bitch" a little. I understand, believe me!!!

Acknowledging Male Rape

MYTH Only women can be raped.
FACT Men can be and are sexually assaulted every day. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 6% of rape victims were men in the year 2000.

MYTH Men who rape other men are gay.
FACT Rape is not about sexual preference or desire - it is an act of power and control. The motivation of the rapist is to humiliate and brutalize another person. A survey of convicted rapists found that at least half of these men did not care about the sex of their victims; they raped both men and women. Most male rapists are either heterosexual or suffer great confusion about their sexual identity.

MYTH Men who rape other men are psychotic.
FACT There is no evidence to support this belief. Rape is a reflection of a "macho" society that trains men to strive to dominate and control others and to avoid the open expression and acknowledgment of feelings.

MYTH Victims of male rape must be gay.
FACT Both straight and gay men can be raped: most studies report that at least half (and more often the clear majority) of victims are exclusively heterosexual.

MYTH Rape is something that doesn't happen to "real men".
FACT Rape is something that can and does happen to an entire spectrum of men, regardless of physical strength or fighting prowess. Reported survivors have included a boxer and a man 6'2" and 200 lbs. Being raped does not mean that the survivor is weak or a "wimp". Anyone can be overpowered or taken by surprise. Size and strength is often no match for weapons, overwhelming odds or surprise attack.

MYTH Male rape only happens in prison, and is due to the lack of sexually available women.
FACT The rape of men in prisons is a classic example of men using rape as a means of getting power and control. Male rape happens much more often in society at large than we realize: but the victims rarely tell anyone. Many rape crisis centers report that as many as 10% of their callers are male survivors.

MYTH A man cannot have an erection if frightened.
FACT All studies so far have found that survivors commonly do report erections and even ejaculations during even the most vicious attacks. These are uncontrollable automatic physiological responses, and do not mean the survivor enjoyed the experience.

MYTH Women don't rape men.
FACT Women can and do commit rape of men, although this seems much less common than rape by men. Sexual assault of a man by one or more women is just as serious as any other type of violation of any other victim.

MYTH Being raped reflects upon the survivor’s manhood.
FACT It is important to remember that a victim of rape, whether male or female, was not at fault or responsible. Recovering from rape demands that we realize and combat rape myths about both male and female survivors.

MYTH There is no way for a man to protect himself against the likelihood of being raped.
FACT By increasing your awareness and taking basic precautions you can make yourself safer. Precautions include:
· Never hitchhike. From one third to one half of all male rapes may be due to hitchhiking.
· Moderate your drinking and use of drugs. Intoxication increases your vulnerability.
· Pay increased attention to your surroundings, especially in isolated situations.

MYTH Men deal better with personal/physical crisis and attacks than women do, and will therefore get over a rape more quickly and without help.
FACT There is growing evidence that men heal from this type of experience with greater difficulty. Men characteristically deal with this sort of trauma by trying to ignore it. This reluctance to seek therapy or support hinders recovery, and many men remain traumatized by the crime for literally years.

MYTH There is nothing a man can do to help another man who has been victimized by rape.
FACT Like the women's movement, a movement among men toward supporting and helping one another will be a giant step in beginning to effectively address the needs of male victims. Exposing and attacking the myths and disseminating the facts about male rape is a first step in this direction.

*Information compiled from several sources