Damn you Judd Apatow

I know '40 Year Old Virgin' and 'Knocked Up' had some problems. I recognize the sexist sub-plots but I still had a good time and enjoyed many laughs. I acknowledge what many other feminist bloggers have said... Superbad was a steaming pile of crap. Not much to enjoy in two moderately attractive men (at best) drawing pictures of penises and tweeking hardcore at menstrual blood. Not to mention that every female character in that movie didn't necessarily need a character name as much as the word "sperm dumpster" tattooed on her forehead.

Anyway. I have been excited for the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" ever since I heard it was starring Kristen Bell (the goddess from Veronica Mars). Apatow produced this movie and from initial previews, I was skeptical but hopeful. But a few days ago, I saw another trailer for this film and this time I was genuinely pissed off.

In a new scene, we see the male lead in bed with a woman. As they begin to throw off clothes, he asks, "Are you sure you aren't too drunk?" Her annoyed response is: "Don't be so sensitive!"

Damn You Judd Apatow. Seriously. Making sure you aren't about to rape someone isn't being "too sensitive."

I am so sick of these boys-will-be-boys "comedies" that all include alcohol as the only way to achieve sex. In 40 Year Old Virgin we had the "tackling drunk bitches" scene. In Knocked Up, the drunk hookup was the basis for the entire plot and the subsequent odd coupling of Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen. Then there was Superbad, where the young men had to quest for booze otherwise "the chicks won't have sex with you."

I am so tired of it.

I know we're making comedies here, but could we acknowledge that date rape is a huge, HUGE problem and alcohol is the #1 date rape drug?! I can only ignore the alcohol/sex obsession of Apatow and crew for so long. In Knocked Up, I was generally comfortable because there was a sense that yes, the liquor greased the wheels for the (highly unlikely) hook-up of Heighl and Rogen's characters but both were clearly consenting. In 40 year old Virgin, I felt pacified because (lovable) Steve Carell is clearly uncomfortable "tackling a drunk bitch" and instead chooses to find a sexual relationship with a coherent woman.

It wasn't until I watched Superbad that I got cranky. That movie seemed to poke fun at Michael Cera's character, who was too soft to accept that "getting girls drunk" was just part of the plan. His obvious discomfort with sleeping with highly-intoxicated Becca is fodder for laughs. When he says "I don't think you want to do this. You're really drunk" Her response was, "I don't understand why you have to be such a little bitch about it."

We need to stop sending messages that guys are pussies if they stop and ask women, "Are you okay with this?" / "Is this what you really want?"/ "Are you sure you aren't drunk?"

I think a lot of women find it to be a turn on when the man they're about to sleep with is concerned for their well-being and wants to make sure they are comfortable. Why do these Apatow flicks (beloved by 20-something men across America) have to call a man a pussy if he worries about having sex with a drunk woman? Not only your guy friends, but the women you try and score with will also call you a bitch or scoff at you for being "too sensitive."

I realize that I'm judging the movie based on a trailer but seriously, every single Apatow movie directs these messages at young men over and over and over again. It's not funny and it's a really dysfunctional message. Let's try and demonstrate the valid point that women appreciate a man who will think twice before just screwing you. We want a man who will stop and think, 'Hey this is a human being, not just a convenient masturbation hole.' Is that so hard to understand?

Apatow and company might just be impressed at how THAT message would widen their appeal with young women.

Meredith Emerson- the politics of sexual assault

A few days ago I wrote a post about the death of Meredith Emerson and women's safety.

More stories are breaking on the confession of Gary Hilton, the man who abducted and killed Emerson.



I stated previously that I did not know if Emerson had been sexually assaulted. Now reports say that yes, Hilton raped Meredith Emerson after she continued to give him the wrong pin number for her ATM card. He told police he raped her "because he was angry with her."

Wow, that line jumped out at me! Contrary to popular myth, men don't see beautiful women and become crazed with lust and attack them. More often, it's similar to what Hilton describes. They use rape as a tool to terrorize and harm.

To some I am stating the ultimate DUH-obvious point here. But I think it's worth bringing up that our culture has a HUGE problem with fetishizing rape. We make it about men's powerful sexual appetite and aggression that must be satisfied. We see it portrayed that way in many movies-- that men can't help themselves. And thus we have lovely victim-blaming "You were wearing that! What did you except?"

Melissa McEwan deals with this on her blog, Shakesville, with the most BRILLIANT POST EVER, "Rape is not a compliment."

Go and read it now and you will be amazed.

Meredith Emerson was a beautiful, young woman but she was not attacked because of her beauty. Hilton was a sick man, looking for an easy target. He used rape as another weapon.

In my training to work for a local rape crisis center, I learned that in many rape cases there is an absence of semen. Not because the rape didn't occur but because the male perpetrator has not climaxed. The crime was not about sexual gratification but about demeaning and injuring a woman physically and psychologically.

Stories with young, attractive female victims get media attention because our culture doesn't understand the dynamics of sexual assault. We don't know how to handle the elderly victim, the married woman assaulted at the hands of her husband, or the male rape victim. (side note: We REALLY don't know how to handle male victims!)

Most people in this country know next to nothing about rape save for a few "movies of the week" off lifetime or our national news media stories.

Too many women suffer fates like Meredith Emerson, who was abducted and raped by a stranger. That young woman I spoke off in my last post did. She was abducted from our community shopping mall by a stranger-- then raped and murdered. And I think of her often.

But our country would do well to remember that these young women were not targeted simply for youth and beauty. This confession from Hilton would serve as a great jumping off point for the media to discuss the politics of sexual violence in a country that continues to treat rape as a crime of passion, directed at young, beautiful (and seemingly only white) women.

I won't hold my breath waiting for that discussion.

CNN story: Male Birth Control Pill out soon

Dr. Gupta tells CNN of male birth control pill coming out next year.

Female anchor asks "What took you so long?"

You tell 'em Chelsea

God I really respect this woman.

The safety of women

Meredith Emerson

Details are still emerging in the murder of Meredith Emerson, a 24-year-old who was abducted while hiking in northern Georgia with her dog, Ella.

We know that Gary Hilton, 61, is serving a life sentence for her murder. Now the media is reporting that Hilton held Emerson captive for 3 days before killing her.

In the most recent article I read, Hilton is quoted as saying he selected Emerson because she was a woman.

When I read that line, my mind immediately flashed on a conversation I had at a party a few months back. It was a group of guys and girls, all hanging out and having fun when the subject of safety came up. The women of the group were trying to explain to our male friends and boyfriends how differently we plan for 'safety' as women.

We are constantly aware of how we walk to our car
Who gets into an elevator with us?
Who's walking close behind us?
How quickly we can lock a door?
Have I left that drink vulnerable to someone dosing it?
Can I defend myself?
Am I in a position where I'm cut off from help?

Many of the men in this group were astounded, some even scoffed at our paranoia. And that truly broke my heart.

Women are targets. And we are brought up to think of ourselves as such. How many of us have received those crazy e-mail forwards about how rapists target women with long hair who wear overalls? Women typically fear the stranger danger situations-- like what happened to Meredith Emerson. Sadly, it's far more likely that one of the men I sit and joke with on a Friday night will be someone who attacks me.

Either way, the inevitable question of rape does come up. We are not certain if Meredith Emerson was sexually assaulted before her death, but we do know that in this culture the murders of women are often highly sexualized. How many horror films feature women murdered during or immediately following a sexual encounter? Women are depicted running from death, barely covered, chest heaving and gasping provocatively. Its no conspiracy theory I'm peddling here, violence against women almost always comes with a side of sexual dysfunction and aggression.

But all the statistics and urban legend debunking aside, the fact remains that I am still pissed. I am pissed that the men in that group weren't more incensed on our behalf. Or they didn't take us seriously.

When I was in college I watched movies with my friend Greg. He lived in a dorm and I had to park far away in an big lot that was nearly empty after 5 and not always well lit.

I left one night after dark and begged him to walk me to my car. I assured him that I'd drive him back to his dorm to drop him off. But he refused and said he was just "too tired." When I pleaded, he just rolled his eyes and said, "What's going to happen to you here?!"

The next day, a girl from our campus was abducted from our local shopping mall. She was found dead several months later.

I don't know what to be more pissed about-- that all women live with a subconscious stream of thought that's making 'escape plans,' or running through self defense moves we learned years ago in that one semester college course? Or should I be pissed that DESPITE all of this, some of the men in our lives refuse to take our fears seriously or show legitimate concern that women are likely to be preyed upon.

Even women like Meredith Emerson who knew self-defense are at serious risk.

Using her wits and training as a martial artist, Meredith Emerson struggled to survive in the north Georgia mountains after she was abducted.... she immediately went on the defensive, grabbing the blade and the baton Hilton countered with.

When I think of Meredith Emerson, I become very uncomfortable. Her experience is the classic scenario that all women are taught to fear growing up...the creepy old man who's out to hurt you. I feel a painful connection to this woman as I imagine the horror she went through. It's something a lot of women can speculate about all-to-easily because its the subject of our worst nightmares.

In looking for information on this case, I found this photo of Meredith



Her shirt reads: "Women who behave rarely make history"

It was the oddest feeling looking at that picture. Prior to the death that made her famous, she was your average, fun-loving girl. She seems like someone I'd like to hang out with and get to know. And when I realize that, there's another layer of heartbreak to her story.

Hilton admits he chose Emerson because she was a woman. But I don't believe it was just the assumed weaker physicality. I don't believe he thought Emerson would be easy to overpower. She was fit and healthy, she knew self defense and had a large dog, these are all things that should have deterred a sick man who was looking for his next victim. But it didn't...

Because she was a woman.

Update on Anti-Gym

Back in November, I wrote a post about the Anti-Gym -- a story that had broken on other feminist blogs.

It's still getting comments on the blog entry, even though its no where near the front page here anymore. I decided it was time to check back on anti-gym.

Owner and creator, Michael Karolchyk, still sends the message that women need to "be sexy... or be gone."

If that's not a threat, I don't know what is. Also, I'd like to post the comment I received recently on the older post from a 'disgruntled' (to say the least) gym member:

I'm a client at the Anti-Gym. Anyone out there who's thinking of trying it..DON'T!

I used to figure skate but after two back injuries in two separate car accidents I couldn't skate anymore. My health went downhill and my weight went up. I joined the Anti-Gym with the goal to loose weight and get back on the ice.

I was well on way until Mr. Karolchyk fired 5 of his trainers within a month and took over training clients himself. I now have training sessions with Karolchyk himself. I have to email him exactly what I ate during the day every night. I'm supposed to get a reply with suggestions on how to eat better. What I get is a paragraph of meaningless insults and name calling.

In sessions Mr. Karolchyk throws his cupcakes but that's not the worst. Anything he knows about your personal life he advertises, twists, and uses it to publicly humiliate you. Another punishment is being forced to squat over a toilet in the center of the gym and wave the Anti-Gym flag.

Don't pause to get a drink during a grueling workout, he'll yell in your face and throw your water bottle across the room. Don't disagree with him on anything. Unfortunately, I made that mistake. He took me into a small office where we were alone. He started yelling, "YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME!" repeatedly and throwing his arms around. I thought he was gonna hit me so I ran out.

Another mistake not to make is standing up for yourself. He insulted me in an email and I replied standing up for myself. I received 14 emails from him on a Sunday insulting not only my weight and fitness level but also my hair, make-up, personality, choice of friends, character, dress, maturity, and lack of a tan.

His gym is nothing more than a cult. After you pay he owns you. If you disagree and don't "bow" down he either insults and bullys you into submission or makes your life miserable till you just stop coming...no refund.

When I say agree with him that's on EVERYTHING, not just diet and fitness, but also sex, drugs, religion, personality, etc. He attempts to make you believe you're there at his mercy and you have to live up to his expectations of becoming a sex object. It's funny you actually forget you paid him and HE should be living up to YOUR expectations.

Obviously, I have no way of verifying if any of this is true. However, the description of treatment is echoed on the company's own website and in various news stories posted on the website. It's true, Mr. Karolchyk and his employees throw cupcakes and stuffed pigs at people working out. He does have people squat over toilets and wave flags and he is unabashedly disgusted and horrified by fat people -- specifically women.

So I find it very believable that someone like Mr. Karolchyk has violent, controlling and abusive tendencies. What is even more (more!) worrisome is that this man is likely dating. Seriously just go through and read the green, bold statements and tell me if you want someone like that dating your friend or sister or daughter?

If it...
- Looks like an abusive asshole,
- Talks like an abusive asshole and
- Acts like an abusive asshole-- it is---
** DING DING DING! **

An abusive asshole!

Disclaimer: I really hope not, but it seems whenever we get near talking about obesity discrimination or bad attitudes about women and size, some concern troll has to say: "Well, you know, getting fit is important!" Well, fine and dandy but just remember -- any "gym" that encourages you to take shots of alcohol after your work-out, and only offers co-ed showers has absolutely no interest in your health.

I am Hillary Clinton

First you must read the amazing blog post that inspired this message. It's from Red Queen. And also here from Blue Lyon. Also new at Random Babble!

Because when people throw hateful, violent insults like "cunt" and "bitch" at her, I want to become quiet and invisible. I begin to worry that young girls equate "cunt" and "bitch" with "sucessful," "powerful" and "speaks her mind." And I get scared.

Because when people scrutinize her looks and not her message, I sigh and wonder how often I am overlooked or mocked based on my inability to conform to the beauty-culture ideal.

Because when people say "she got where she is because of her husband" or "people pity her because of a cheating husband," I am reminded that I am not considered of worth on my own as an individual; rather I am weighed and measured based on a man's elevation of me-- or my perceived ability to keep a man out of another woman's bed.

Because when friends make jokes about a woman campaigning or facebook's debate group shows 20% of people believe a woman cannot be a successful president, I wonder how many people in the world (close friends and family included) look at me and assume I am only capable of certain things ... because of what's between my legs.

Because when actual retail products demonstrate the level of fear some people have at a woman in power, I lament for women and girls who once again check themselves and their authority for fear of being labelled "man-like" or a ball-busters.

Because any time her critics want to take a pot shot, they go for the PMS jokes or bring out other tired sexist stereotypes. I am reminded that any time I threaten the patriarchy there will be hoards of people ready to put me in my place and they won't have to do it by pointing out mistakes I have made-- they have a ready made insult simply by bringing up the fact that I am a WOMAN. Because being a woman is apparently an insult in itself.

I am Hillary Clinton and I vote.


*** If you write a "I am Hillary" post, please leave a link in the comments. ***