North Dakota nice

(For back story on this post click here)

There's a common phrase in my part of the world about people being "Minnesota nice." Essentially it means that when Midwesterns are pissed off and angry, they tend to be nice about it-- or at the least passive aggresive about it. Now, I could have been all pissy this morning. But that would just be exhausting and who has the energy for that?

Instead I wrote (what I hope) what a nice letter to Troy from Y94 and I'm pretty pleased with the dialogue we had.

My facebook message:

I was the gal who called in and jokingly referred to herself as the “token angry feminist” this morning.

Did I like today’s radio topic? No. Did that make me hate you as a person? Of course not. Just wanted to throw that out there. I worked in radio for four year and I know getting crabby callers isn't fun. Just to maybe I could explain it better....

When I hear “jokes” about “what girl’s can’t do” I always want to say SOMETHING. In this instance it was all “in good fun” but women tend to hear all too often (in serious conversations) what they aren’t equipped to do --- I was told (quite seriously) while I worked in radio that I probably wouldn't be around for much longer after they updated all the equipment because "girls can't figure out new technology." So you see, it’s not such a unique, fun topic for some of us … I realize other women may not mind, but I just wanted to voice my opinion that, “Hey, do we have to phrase it this way?” Couldn’t the same basic discussion happen differently?

I mean the way it was “Girls can’t do -----“ just leaves you open for A) tired sexist stereotypes—like the random caller who thought the “answer” was “throw a ball” or B) people like me, who just get frustrated by the question in the first place.

Furthermore, just wanted to say that you won’t pacify many feminists with the “what men can’t do” question. I’m a feminist, not a man hater, Troy! :) Please don’t confuse the two.

I don’t have a radio show, so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but I think you’d get way more interesting answers if you’d ask callers about stereotypes re: men and women. Look at common stereotypes in pop culture –like why on sitcoms is the hot wife always married to the neurotic schlubby guy?

Just wanted to say no hard feelings on my part, if you were feeling like an angry feminist was out to get you. That’s just my two cents on the matter. I’m glad you give the listeners as opportunity to contact you and let you know. It sounds like you and Megan are friends so I realize you weren’t being malicious at all --- just a message from a listener out here that I hope next time you change it up a bit. And don’t let anyone be too hard on the guys tomorrow— that’s no fun either.

He responded:

Tobes, believe me I understand your point. If you were in radio for years, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with some chauvinist. Let me tell you about a lesson I learned at a radio convention once... a very wise programmer named Tom Joyner gave us a lecture that made the point "Know how to get to your listeners emotions".

In other words, make them mad and they'll call. Make them sad and they'll call. Make them happy and they'll call. We do all of that on any given day, and that's how we're able to get the phones to ring.

That was the purpose of our topic this morning. If you've been in radio then you probably know, Megan and I agreed to do this topic before we went on the show. I didn't just spring it on her. Matter of fact, we had a meeting yesterday and decided on it then. Megan understands I didn't mean anything I said this morning. We are friends.

BTW, we've done the "hot girls dating fat/ugly guys" topic before. You must have missed it.

I understand you have a probelm with our topic this morning. Making some woman mad and gettting them to call was the idea. So I guess we got you huh?

I don't know what you do for a living, but if you'd ever be interested in getting back into radio, we're always looking for interns, and we have a hard time finding ones that are opinionated like yourself.

No hard feelings here either. I just think you were taking our topic a little too seriously. You were the only one who called with a serious objection to the topic. The rest of the women who took issue, called and took a shot at me (in a fun way). Your call on the other hand was a little too serious, so we didn't air it.

Hey, not bad. Not bad at all. I feel like I've been heard and I wasn't called a psycho or a bitch. You know -- that's seriously saying something! Often times when you identify as a feminist and are critical of a man, that's what you get. I appreciate this guy's honesty. Radio is about ratings and we all know they could say far worse or shocking things. Plus, I like to think if I was censored for being too serious, they wouldn't air a caller who was too sexist.

Hopefully, we can all poke a little fun at ourselves and if someone raises a critical question, we can respond graciously.

That's all I ask.

Thanks Troy.

PS: Just an aside--- This is not the first time I've been cranky with local radio stations.

The exclusive Feminist Club?

I'll be the judge of your "feminist"-ness, damn it!

So in my last post I admitted my disgust at the idea of Heidi Montag as this generation's feminist hero... One of my favorite gals, Adrienne gave me a "finger wag" in the comment sections. And maybe I needed it. She is very right when she asks, who's to say what makes you feminist or not?

So that got me thinking and if I'm being 100% honest I do believe there are some issues that DO kick you out of the feminist club.

#1 Being anti-choice
A real feminist recognizes that women have the right to bodily autonomy and forced childbirth is inhumane.

#2 Being negative toward women who go to work
Not all women want to stay home raising kids 24/7 and an even greater number can't afford to do it.

#3 Judging women who stay home
Feminism is about choices. If you want to be the one raising your children, that's a perfectly reasonable and respectable choice. Hell, if you greet your husband in an apron, that's your choice-- as long as you're doing it for YOU.

#4 Being racist
You can't claim to be progressive and at the same time buy into horrible racist stereotypes. In the Montag post, a commenter said, "I am a feminist and voting for McCain. I believe winning the war against fascist, androcentric Islam is more important than educating children on rubbers."-- First off, anytime you scoff at preventing unplanned pregnancy or stopping the spread of disease, I tend to distrust your intelligence. When you describe an entire religion as "fascist" and "androcentric" I'm thinking you're not progressive at all. Nice try, anonymous.

#5 Being homophobic
Anyone who claims they don't get into gay rights because they find it "icky," well, they might as well surrender their feminist card right now. For me, feminism is a fight to end intolerance. Ending oppression of the GLBT community should be important to a feminist.

#6 Believing that there are some rights inherent only to men
Any time I hear someone make claims that men should lead the household or "man's work" vs. "women's work," I want to scream. Women shouldn't need to "know their place." Every place is a woman's place so STEP OFF!

Part II: Here is a list of issues that in my opinion, shouldn't make or break a feminist.

Following Beauty culture
Whether you wear make-up or not, shave your legs or not, wear a bra or not-- either way -- to me it doesn't matter. Even when it comes to plastic surgery (which I find very sad that so many women feel the need to alter their bodies with painful surgery) -- it still doesn't mean you forfeit your feminist card.

Relationship issues
If you want to get married or not, if you want to take your husband's name after marriage... these are your choices as feminists and as long as your aren't marrying an abusive asshole who believes that a husband has the right to spank you you should be fine!

Religion
If you're atheist, Muslim, Jewish, Christian it shouldn't matter. I think its pretty obvious that any dogma can be bent to marginalize women but spirituality and faith can also be used by feminists to support their cause and give them strength. It shouldn't matter what beliefs you do or do not ascribe to.

Porn
Pornography has long been a touchy subject for feminists and I don't like to touch the topic with a ten foot pole. Here's my super-duper condensed opinion: Some women enjoy porn, some women find it offensive and those decisions are pretty personal. I would hope we can all agree that any pornography featuring violence against women or any porn that sexualizes children is pretty damn offensive. When it comes to your regular old, Jenna Jameson stuff.... I think the door is open to discussion. It's no secret that the sex industry is home to a lot of women who've suffered sexual abuse in the past... but I like to think there are outlets for sexual expression that are healthy and fun for adults to enjoy.

Well those are my examples for now. I'd like to know some of your "deal breakers" when it comes to being a feminist. Or what you think shouldn't matter... Please leave comments.

Coming Soon: My review of Obama/Clinton rally in North Dakota!

An Education for Me

I recently attended a national conference where I learned how to form public awareness campaigns and educate communities about domestic violence and sexual assault.

While there I had some big awakenings:

#1 Anger is unhelpful.

I mean, of course this makes sense. If I ever train a group of health care professionals, clergy or police officers, I would never come across like I do on this blog. This blog is a place for me to vent my anger and say what I'm really thinking. I don't worry about coming off as bitter or even offensive, I just write what I feel.

I have always assumed that this blog can be just that for me because it's not a publication or any public p.s.a. Now however, I'm worried. I realize how much anger can turn people off and how it can shut the door on any helpful dialogue. I don't speak for all feminists, I really only speak for me at the moment. I don't think I will be able to get rid of my anger, and I shouldn't have to. I enjoy my anonymity and I utilize this site to vent. So please know, I speak only for me and I'm sorry about the anger. But sometimes I just need to fume.

#2 Oppression is everything

Sexual assault and domestic violence has everything to do with society as a whole. I saw a PSA created by another campaign that showed a beautiful rural farm scene with the narrator saying, "Jim's neighbors helped him last year when he hurt his back. They helped him with the chores and farm work, and even helped him beat his wife, because they knew Jim was hitting her and did nothing to help. It's hard to know what to do. Call us and we can help."

Imagine, an ad not directed at abused women telling them what to do... but rather targeting neighbors, friends and community members for ignoring the problem.

I mean, people will call the police department if their neighbor's dog is barking too loudly, but how many people pick up a phone if they suspect their neighbor is beating their spouse?

#3 It's not because men are "violent"

Men don't beat women because they are violent. Men beat because they have been taught that women are objects or property. And by that logic, you can "use," "control," and "beat" what you own. We teach our society a hierarchy of oppression. That's why there is such a tiny minority of situations in which women beat their male partners. However, when you look at stats of child abuse, we see that it is evenly split, women and men are equally likely to abuse children because in the hierarchy of oppression children are controlled by both parents equally.

So in essence, violence has less to do with a particular gender being bad but has everything to do with the way we devalue groups of people based on our power and control over them. This can also be seen in history-- the Holocaust was possible because Jewish people were objectified, devalued and considered sub-human.

#4 Victim blaming is not a myth

People (mean people) want to act like women have it so easy now. Like all a woman has to do is accuse a man of abuse or rape and she's gonna get all this sympathy and win her case easily. Um-- yeah NO! Look at court stats or work at a women's shelter for a week. Or-- simply listen to the way people STILL talk. For example:

On rape victims:

What you hear:

What was she doing walking alone that late at night?
Why did she get so drunk at that party?
She was flirting with a ton of guys, wasn't she?
Well what did she expect wearing that?

What you should hear:

What gave him the right to sexually assault her?

On victims of domestic violence:

What you Hear:

Why did she marry a wife beater?
Can she quit complaining and move out?
She keeps going back to him?
What did she say to provoke him?
She was drinking too, right?

What you should hear:

Why does he beat his wife?

This happens because we put all the blame on women. Of course, it's important to help women leave abusive situations but do we ever stop and think, "Does this makes sense that SHE should have to leave her home? Why doesn't he leave?" And we teach girls to never walk alone at night, always keep an eye on your drink etc. But do we really teach young men to respect women and not use a state of intoxication as an excuse for rape? Because we are so focused on teaching women what "not to do," when a woman is abused or raped... we often feel it is somehow her fault, after all-- -We taught her what not to do, so she must have done something wrong. But remember only rapists can 100% prevent rape, and only the abusers can stop abuse.

Every time I attend conferences like this last one, I get a renewed surge of hope as I see how many people are dedicated in the fight to end oppression and violence. But today, as I was surfing the internet, I was also reminded of what we have left to fight.

I found t-shirts on a men's website emblazoned with these messages:

"Women are Property, Put em Where They Belong: on Their Knees, Barefoot, Spanked, and Pregnant!"

"Repeal the 19th amendment! Anti-Women Voting, Women should be Seen not Heard!"

"Repent Being Feminists! Your Children Need You at Home and the Sex is Better When Women Obey Their Husbands."

We still have these ideas to combat, so keep up the good fight and if that means you need to open a blog and god forbid, "bitch" a little. I understand, believe me!!!