Tuesday, September 27, 2005

And the "biggest jerk of the century" award goes to...

...Discovered this quote while searching for info on a town devestated by Hurricane Katrina. This quote comes to you courtesy of Rush Limbaugh. Hope it was the pain pills talking:

"I mean, why didn't these morons leave New Orleans before the hurricane? I'll tell you why: because they wanted to rape and loot! That's just the way some people are! And if they're black--if the rapists and looters are black--it's not George Bush's fault! We've had these problems ever since the Emancipation Proclamation. Once the whites leave town, all you've got is overwhelming lawlessness. That's not racism, Mr. Snerdley; it's a proven, demonstrable fact. Have you even seen a ghetto in Greenwich, Connecticut? I rest my case."

What a pathetic, pathetic man.

If I met the pope, I would kick him in the shin

The Catholic Church is facing major scandal (and by scandal, I mean not only the fact that priests were sexually abusing children but also that the Catholic Church COVERED IT UP). Now the church is responding by doing an investigation.

An common-sense person would think, "They must be studying on how to recognize pedophiles or educating their church communities on what to do." But no, the Catholic Church is launching a different type of investigation. Starting this September, more than 220 U.S. seminaries will be surveyed. Every faculty member and student must answer and sign a lengthy questionnaire and one of the questions is: "Is there evidence of homosexuality in the seminary?"


The Vatican is using the survey as "a service to American bishops after the recent sex-abuse scandals." No where in the survey are there questions about pedophilia. Does the Vatican need sex ed.? Its pedophiles, not homosexuals who have sex with kids. DUH. Homosexuals have sexual relations with people of the same gender that happen to be consenting adults.

What irks me is, not only is the church putting its members at more risk by not addressing the problem of pedophilia, they are trying to pin the problem on a group of people (whom are already responsible for oppressing) who had NOTHING to do with abusing children.

If the church wants to blame someone, they should look inward.

Some have attempted to justify this survey. They say some priests might not have been well prepared for a celibate life. Rt. Rev. Francis Maniscalco, spokesman for the U.S. bishops' conference said, "With gay rights, people have put this forward as a lifestyle that is acceptable."

In the words of Lil' John.... HWAT!?!

That's the most pathetic excuse since "I did not have sexual relations, I had a blow job" - ala Bill Clinton. Not only is it laughable as an attempt to justify the rape of children, it's sickening. What about the gay lifestyle says "have sex with kids." In fact, if I had to say it, the lifestyle of a PRIEST seems to be the one promoting sex with kids, these days.

What the church needs to do is admit its mistake in attempting to keep this problem quiet and try to make amends to the many people they've wounded. People in the Church should develop healthy sexual attitudes -- hard to do when your church is so freakin' backward about sex anyway, but if they addressed the problem and didn't try to pin it on gays, we might have safer and happier congregations.

After that the Chruch should issue an apology to the gay community who they have slandered. While they're at it, they can apologize to women as well, for still treating us as second class citizens.

Sorry to rant so much lately, I don't even have a funny line to end this on. It's just my harsh truth tonight, folks. Next post, I'll try to find something lighter to discuss. Like my love of Village Inn pie or something...

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Why we can’t catch Osama

Are you aware that the FBI has a “porn squad”?

I was not. And now that I know, I am confused. Do I laugh hysterically or bang my head against the wall?

A brief history:

The U.S.A. has always been a bit uptight about sex, (we were founded by Puritans after all) but according to all that I’ve read, “federal obscenity prosecutions have been out of style since the Reagan administration made pornography a signature issue in the 1980s.” (Apparently porn is the favorite issue of every wanna-be-cowboy, mean republican President.) Anyway…

The current “Porn Squad” formed earlier this September. It was federally funded by congress and backed by Bush and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Keep in mind, I spent a summer working for a non-profit dedicated to abused women’s services so it isn’t like I enjoy, appreciate or even advocate porn. I’ve seen porn. It was the most turned off I’ve ever been in my life. Pornography makes my skin crawl.

That being said, people still have first amendment rights. I could understand the FBI cracking down on violent pornography or child pornography but that isn’t what this “special force” is doing. They are focusing on pornography for consenting adults. Um, can we say waste of time and resources?

Top priorities of FBI are:
-Protecting the United States from terrorist attack
-Foreign espionage
-Cyber-based attacks
-Public corruption

Below those priorities are civil rights, organized crime, white-collar crime and "significant violent crime."

Please tell me how porn figures into our top priority list? Above significant violent crime, civil rights or other cyber based crimes like identity theft?????

The government and Christian conservatives argue that “adult pornography is a threat to families and children.” I argue that it’s in poor taste but a bigger danger to your children is perhaps CHILD PORNOGRAPHY and your family would be better protected from identity theft than the big bad pornographer.

It’s no wonder we can’t catch Osama or run a decent, well-planned “war on terror”--- we’re too busy trying to get rid of Jenna Jameson.

And aren’t you thankful? Don’t you feel safer?

Didn’t think so.

Taunting the opposing team

Yesterday was another blowout game for UND football. Poor Augustana. Final score was something like 52 to 3. When this happens, most of the Alerus center empties and the student section thins down to the die-hards. Unfortunately, with a lead of almost 50 points, our team doesn't need a lot of pep-you-up cheers. So instead our student section turns to the players sitting right in front of us-- the opposing team.

I'm not Ms. Sports or anything, I mean to me seeing a football game doesn't make or break my Saturday afternoon. However, my blood was really starting to boil at this past game. How many times can you chant "Hey, # 78, YOU SUCK!" I mean, hello, he sees the scoreboard, he is aware that today is not the highlight of his career. I don't mind a few harmless cheers where we taunt the guys about bad passes or what not. That’s the game, but one cheer in particular was getting to me…

Must be yell "pussy" constantly? Is that necessary? Do I grab a bullhorn and start yelling "PENIS!"? Why is pussy the ultimate sports put-down? For example:

"Hey #78, quit being such a pussy!" ... "The Vikings are pussies!" ... "Your coach is a pussy!" etc etc etc. As if, "you suck" wasn't un-original enough.

I would like to remind all the testosterone brain-damaged fans out there that the 'pussy" is not an insult, it is a magnificent organ that gives pleasure and bears children. So if you could refrain from screaming it in football arena, that'd be great. If you really want to insult the guys why don't you refer to them as something powerless like, I dunno.. "impotent" or say, "limp dick." I can hear it now,

"#78 you have a flacid penis!"

See, doesn't that make more sense if you're insulting someone's masculinity?

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Mindless "Efficiency"

I have a pet peeve. And I admit, it's ridiculous.

But honestly, what's with every store having the credit card swipe system for the customer? I swear, every time I have to use those things I have to swipe the card 18 times, all the while the clerk is going, "you need to go a little faster," or "slower" or "flip it the other way" or "could you just stand on one foot while you do that?"

Then as I'm easily distracted by ... you know, stuff.... like the headlines of STAR magazine for example (Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan have mud fight?), I have the clerk breathing down my neck, "okay, now press the green 'enter' button," "great, now click yes," "click the red button again to verify," "maybe it would help if you stood on one foot again," etc.

Are these supposed to be helpful or efficient? Did someone sit at a meeting somewhere and honestly say, "You know what people really want to do... swipe their own credit cards." And then some other guy at the table says "Yes, and store clerks are so busy doing other things!" Then the Guiness beer guy says, "BRILLIANT!"

Really. I'm nostalgic for the good ol' days. Take the money off my hands, give me my oreos and leave me in peace. I don't want to disarm a nuclear bomb via checkout technology that never seems to like me (the machine at Target actually ate my card once so don't tell me I'm crazy).

I just don't see what the clerk is doing other than checking me out that would prevent him/her from taking care of the credit card stuff for me. Maybe someday I will be queen of the world, and on the glorious day I will order all annoying technology burned. Then we will all feel free to flip through the pages of STAR magazine.

Not without shame, but at least without distraction.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A must-read that I wish I had written


DVD to cure Bush's A.D.D.
Posted on Fri, Sep. 16, 2005

NEW YORK - I hate spending time in hospitals and nursing homes. I find them to be some of the most depressing places on earth.

Maybe that's why the stories of the sick and elderly who died, 45 in a New Orleans hospital and 34 in St. Rita's nursing home in the devastated St. Bernard Parish outside New Orleans, haunt me so.

You're already vulnerable and alone when suddenly you're beset by nature and betrayed by your government.

The managers of St. Rita's fled Katrina, abandoning 34 seniors, who fought to live with what little strength they had as the lights went out and the water rose over their legs, over their shoulders, over their mouths. As Gardiner Harris wrote in The Times, the failed defenses included a table nailed against a window and a couch pushed against a door.

Several electric wheelchairs were gathered near the front entrance, maybe by patients who dreamed of evacuating. Their drowned bodies were found swollen and unrecognizable a week later, as Harris reported, "draped over a wheelchair, wrapped in a shower curtain, lying on a floor in several inches of muck."

In Memorial Medical Center, victims also suffered in 100-degree heat and died, some while waiting to be rescued in the four days after Katrina hit.

As Louisiana's death toll spiked to 423 on Tuesday, the state charged St. Rita's owners with multiple counts of negligent homicide. "In effect," said State Attorney General Charles Foti, "I think that their inactions resulted in the death of these people."

President Bush continued to try to spin his own inaction Tuesday, but he finally may have reached a patch of reality beyond spin. Now, he's the one drowning, unable to rescue himself by patting small black children on the head during photo-ops and making scripted attempts to appear engaged. He can keep going back down there, as he did again Thursday when he gave a televised speech to the nation, but it never will compensate for his tragic inattention during days when so many lives could have been saved.


I don't want to post the whole article for fear of copyright. Please click the link to read the rest of this amazing column.


Friday, September 16, 2005

The Weaker Sex

I'm talking, of course, about men

Correction- SOME MEN.

What has happened to men? When I was young, I watched actors like Gene Kelly and Disney movies with Prince Charmings. I had a certain idea in my head about what a gentleman was. Nowadays 'gentlemen' is word we don't even know how to define. The gentlemen breed is so rare and elusive, many believe them extinct.

Walking about my college campus, I notice that the male population is not impressive. I turn on the TV and I see more of these non-gentlemen. He's everywhere from the voiceover on the "Girls gone wild" ad, to the pathetic contestant on Elimi-Date going, "if you two kiss for me, I'll eliminate the other chick."

Before I go farther, let me stop and say -- I am dating a nice guy, I'm friends with nice men, plenty of my girlfriends are dating, or engaged to GOOD men. But the vast majority of my female friends are stuck with complete lame-asses. I look at the world around me and I feel like the "Men in Emily's life" pie chart has one huge slice labeled "DUMB ASSES." You know what I'm saying?

Do I need to define the undesirable breed of man? Cause I can!

Besides the specimen I see on campus, wearing trucker hats and "DO ME" t-shirts, (the guys who will not only NOT open a door for you, but shove past you when you're trying to open one for yourself,) there also are many prime examples on TV. I'm talking of course about the Kevin Federline's, the P. Diddy's, or frankly any male on MTV. For proof watch "Laguna Beach," Room Raiders, or "Date my mom." I can only go so far with this argument, because chances are if you're a 20-something on MTV, you're a dip-shit. But moving on…

Take a program I was watching on VH1. The Fabulous Life of ... something or other. All these celebrity men are wearing diamonds! Diamond watches, bracelets, earrings--- what the deuce? Am I supposed to be turned on by a man wearing jewelry-- not only that but gaudy female jewelry? What's next, the man purse? Oh wait….

Now back up. I'm not saying we need “manly men.” Hell no! I am an advocate for the Queer Eye makeover team. But it's the overall attitude of these men who wear "bling" -- it's the "I'm rich so totally come over here and dance on me with no clothes on" mentality. YUCK.

Then it's the stories I hear from my girlfriends. Some men have an attitude that we, as women are supposed to just be grateful they picked us out at the bar and are now gracing us with their butt-slapping presence. We're supposed to overlook the fact that they have no ambition in life and apparently no cleaning supplies in their entire apartment. I mean-- these guys expect to get laid? COME ON!

These are the same guys that get offended when we aren't laughing at their dumb blonde jokes, or turned on by a shirt called a "wife beater." By the way--- shirt name-- NOT COOL.

I see them all over. In bars, in class, on TV. They walk around with this smug, "You know you want it. I'm so awesome, check out my pimped out ride. By the way I have a huge penis."

FYI-- I don't want it. You're not that cool. Stop saying 'pimped' --it's offensive and get over the penis already!

To all the decent men out there, even if your wardrobe be not of Abercrombie origin, and your CD collection boasts no Snoop Dog, we females may still find you manly, loveable, and god-forbid desirable boyfriends.

My roommate is going to have a tumor

Sorry this is random.

But I just noticed that 99.9% of the time I see my roommate, she has her cell phone attached to her ear. I've run into her at the grocery story... cell phone, seen her driving.... cell phone, watched her walk to class... cell phone, gotten up at 1 am for glass of water... heard her in room on cell phone.

I think she has a tumor.

The supreme court

This time is critical. Two vacancies on the Supreme Court. I really should be watching the news and paying more attention. But part of me just wants denial. Blissful, blissful denial.

George Bush is going to appoint people who think like him. And that frightens me more than words can express.

John Roberts for example, he's only been a judge for two years on the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. That is not enough time to establish a record and makes me wonder why Bushie would choose someone so, dare I say, unqualified?

It doesn't help matters that Roberts refuses to answer questions on key issues like abortion. Planned Parenthood has come out in opposition and Civil Rights groups have followed suit. They say Roberts' memos reveal him to be hostile to civil rights, affirmative action and the Voting Rights Act.

Less publicized and equally troubling, Roberts has said that although Congress has a right to declare war, its authority to end war is an "unsettled" issue. WHAT?

I want people to wake up. There are strong forces in government right now eroding women's right to privacy and pushing through money for abstinence only education. An education that is better-labeled "misinformation" sponsored by the religious right and a movement that has proven time and time again to show huge failure rates and spikes of STD's and pregnancies.

Roberts refuses to answer questions on this important topic and we have no court record to look at. You have a right to know what this man thinks about fundamental issues facing your body and your country.

Sad truth is, the people in control are likely going to get their way. Maybe I sound doomsday as I say this, but I honestly believe that... basically...

We’re screwed.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Britney Spears = mom

Stop everything. Britney Spears has become a mother of a baby boy. Does anyone else feel that this might degrade the word "mother"? I know, I know, I shouldn't rip on her. It's too easy :) but I look at that woman and think- she is an "idol" to young girls everywhere? That's just no good. At all.

But getting back to the motherhood thing, one thing that shocked me was that Mrs. Spears/Federline/whatever had a cesarean section.

She had a c-section?! Not only that, Britney has been quoted as saying she hoped for a c-section because she "couldn't bear the thought of natural childbirth." I get the wanting to avoid natural childbirth-- pain = bad in my book. But I do not understand why a woman who makes her living out of tummy-baring shirts would choose C-section.

Doesn't she realize the muscles they cut will make her 1,000 sit ups a day a little more difficult? Or the new scar she'll have for her barely there outfits?

Maybe this is a sign that Britney is thinking of a more modest future now that she's a mama. Or maybe she's just completely nuts. Either way, the woman who gave us orgasms as sound effects and lyrics like "I'm a slave for you" is now raising a child. Stay tuned. This should be interesting.

Whoa.... my own little space

It's 10 am. I have class at 11. I am in my PJ's. This is a perfect time to start my very own blog. I've been a wanna-be blogger for some time. Only my wacky schedule and fear of new things electronic has been holding me back. But the time has come, the dawning of a new and glorious age... MU HAHA!

Kidding. But seriously. This was insanely easy to put together. It's like snorting crack. In no time at all you feel happy and carefree... not that I've ever snorted crack. Which brings me to my next point... who do I share such a site with? Do I give this link to family members or just friends? I'll admit I have been known to curse a time or two, especially when angered. I cannot be censored. So forgive me folks if this site is sometimes rated M for mature. That's just how I do it, yo.

An interesting philosophical thought to ... think of. What would happen if I gave this web address to no one? Would I rant on into the cold bleak world of internet? That is rather empowering but nah, I think I shall unleash myself upon the world.

Get ready for some calm chatter and some wild shrieking. This girl had lots to say and she might be ticked off when she does it.So... thank you for visiting and hopefully something I will write can inspire, move you or hell... lull you to sleep. Whatever you need. I can only giggle wildly at the fun that is to come. Imagine me, with my own little space to type whatever. Oh boy.